Three myths about working with a mentor on your love & relationships
Today I’m dispelling three myths about spending time and money on developing your relationship skills.
I see shame and denial sometimes about people being proactive in caring for their relationships.
I see resistance, hiding, people holding themselves back from being prepared to admit that things really aren't as good as they'd like and giving themselves what they really need because of societal pressures and a feeling that things aren't really that bad.
1) Your mindset around love and relationships is YOURS, and it exists with or without a partner, it’s also YOUR responsibility, not theirs.
Doing this work without a partner will allow you full freedom to really open up without being afraid of offending anyone. Without fear of repercussions, without fear of making things worse.
Unlike couples therapy, there is no need to have to convince your partner into joining you. That way you don’t add to the issue that already exists.
And let me tell you from experience – trying to force your partner into doing something they don’t want to do is flat out a violation. I’ve gone there, I’ve used every tactic in the book and more and that scored me absolutely no brownie points whatsoever!
And that’s when I realised that if someone tried to make me do something I didn’t want to do – you know what I’d do? I’d just dig my feet in even harder! I’d push back even stronger, I’d create that rift, that divide and push it as wide open as I could. Why? Because it’s human nature.
2) When I did my work, I worked with dozens of different people, I tried 3 different counsellors for a start. The first one was actually a complete and utter con, and I still got up at 1AM in the morning to attend a Skype session with him, that I couldn’t even speak on – I had to type my replies back in the chat, for fear of waking up my parents. And then I’d come off it at 2AM and tiptoe back to my bed, lie there with my head swirling full of thoughts until I drifted off to sleep around 4AM and then try to wake up at 6AM the next morning as if I’d had a full night’s sleep, hoping that my parents wouldn’t figure it all out.
I also read a tonne of different articles online, signed up to newsletters from blogs, read books titled Are All Men Arseholes and When Sorry Isn’t Enough, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and tried all kinds of different approaches.
And what I found over and over again was polarized views, imbalance, people setting one gender up against the other, toxicity, patriarchy, until I finally found something that really resonated with me and got to the core of the problem.
But here’s the thing. I didn’t do all of those things one after another, I did them at the same time as each other – I didn’t have time to waste and if something didn’t feel right or wasn’t working, I’d move on. I left the conman even though he’d had a 2-hour conversation with my partner and wanted to share all that he’d gleaned with me.
I didn’t finish the books, either. Did I learn anything? Yup – 62 different ways that I didn’t want to be conducting my relationships! And I learned how to bring the focus back to myself – the one thing I can change, not my partner – who’s change I cannot control. Which was invaluable! Because I mean – when you know that it all lies in your own hands that impacts everything right!
Remember the sum is always greater than the parts. No one person can know everything, and you have full permission to lean into what feels right for you as and when it does.
3) If this, is you, well damn are you lucky! Because most of us know exactly what it’s like to have left it for far too long before we’ve decided to ‘grease the squeaking wheel’ and by that time the squeak is more like a high decibel tinnitus.
In fact, in many cases, it’s an endless cycle of arguments, meltdowns, and attempts at making up that are remarkably short-lived.
And more cases than any of us would like it can result in domestic violence, emotional abuse, expensive and messy divorces. Not to mention the impact it has on any children involved and everyone else on the fringes like your parents where you have to spend the night when you flee there and them worrying about how upset you are on a regular basis, or even having to escape to hotels or a women’s refuge.
I don’t mean to scare you, but honestly, you putting it off to a rainy day or a time when it really needs looking at aint’ helping anybody girl, least of all yourself.
And it’s certainly not bringing you any closer to the wonderful flow of deep unconditional love and acceptance that you so desire.
You may have read my books Tomorrow’s Not Promised and Make Today Count and you’ll have seen in there just how much pain and heartache I put up with. Just how low I allowed myself to get before enough was finally enough.
It’s time to be smart about it, this is an investment in your own future. This is an investment that affects literally everything in your life. It’s going to have a long term impact, on your own mental and physical health, if you have children – your children’s too. On your wealth, especially if you are an entrepreneur or working some kind of job. It’s worth spending time and money on one of the fundamentals that make up your life, and your ability to experience the very essence of life and show up as your truest self.
So, let’s talk about feeling good about love and feeling good about your relationship because you probably don’t even realise how much you live with this underlying sense of anxiety and fear all the time. It’s time for you to stop and think about when you’re feeling scared – how that shows up in your day.
Here’s an example. When I used to receive a text from my partner, I could never tell whether it would be good news or bad news. I would grab my phone in a panic, no matter what I was doing, hold my breath and with every muscle contracted I’d do a super quick scan of whatever he’d said before I either breathed a sigh of relief or melted into a puddle of tears.
And that’s when I realised, my emotions were literally on puppet strings for him to pull however and whenever he wanted. It was time to change that into reminding myself that no one can make me feel anything, without me first giving them permission to do so.
That’s when I’d consciously consider how I wanted to feel and react BEFORE I picked up my phone each time I heard a ‘ping’. I got myself into a place of knowing I had this no matter what was sent, I could deal with this.
The same was true for when it happened face to face too – and guess what? He felt the shift, and suddenly those puppet strings were cut. Communication became about two people having a rational conversation again, rather than there being an imbalance of power.
There are literally dozens of different ways you can change the energy in your relationships and shift things back to where you want them to be and it makes a huge difference! So look for those places in your day where you are conscious you aren’t feeling good about love and make a switch.
As always if you need my help, I give tonnes of support around this in the Endless Love Experiment which specifically goes over lifting your love blocks and increasing your capacity around love.
For now – Love well
P.S. If you know you have love blocks and limiting beliefs around receiving the deep connection and love that you’re worth or upleveling your relationships, here are four ways I can help…
Follow me and let me know what blocks are coming up for you that I can help you shift – Click Here.
Grab a copy of my book, "Tomorrow’s Not Promised" (paperback or Kindle) to start working on your love memories and habits - Click Here.
Join us in my free Endless Love Experiment for 28 days of lifting love blocks and magnetising true love.
4. We have a specific module on Love Upgrades in The Effortless Experience and lots of training on your love blocks, relational dynamics and habits - DM me with the word “Effortless” and let’s chat about how this training and community could help you.