To Love Beautifully
I had to admit that none of those I'd tried to have relationships with were inherently evil exactly.
I mean there is that 1% chance of them being a psychopath….
But it wasn't actually anything to do with them at all. Sigh!
It was that the operating system on which I'd attempted to run my relationships needed an upgrade patch.
I was having my relationships during a time when humanity was evolving from ownership to love but the evolution was still very much underway.
Which wasn't very surprising considering the model I'd watched my parents' use had been taught to them by their parents who grew up in an era where marriage wasn't about love at all.
Fascinating Fact: Till death do us part - actually came from a time when many died at the age of 30, or earlier through childbearing.
It stands to reason that they had no clue what living with the same person for an extra 50+ years felt like!
Yet today that teaching was keeping people trapped in domestic abuse situations.
In an age where human rights are practically a fundamental, I didn't want to be told that I belonged to someone else, and now that I did, they could tell me what to do with my being.
And if they got upset with me, they'd make up with me when they were ready.
And that I had to follow their rules and obedience was of utmost importance.
And….if I was to do all that, then…. maybe there will be love.
But if I upset them or triggered one of their fears, there would be no love.
I didn't want to be told that relationships are about pleasing someone else and ensuring I didn't give them a reason to be fearful.
I wanted a relationship where I was loved for being the imperfect, evolving, ever-changing human being that I was.
With someone who had enough awareness to realise their emotions were their responsibility just like mine were my responsibility.
And that we would choose to walk beside each other for as long as we were meant to.
Because I wanted to be a good human and set realistic expectations, instead of knowingly making promises that had a substantial chance of being broken… till death do us part, tsk!
I wanted to voluntarily join another being and together create the most amazing and wonderful experiences beyond our wildest dreams.
I wanted to love and be loved.
I wanted to respect and be respected.
I wanted to be able to honour my truth and let them honour theirs.
I wanted to wake up every morning knowing that we had both chosen another day of gorgeous time together - over being forced to stay in an arrangement purely to keep everyone else, but ourselves, happy.
The more my operating system was based on respect the better things felt.
And the less fear came into it.
Fear had me believe I had no freedom and couldn't afford to give freedom to my partner.
Respect on the other hand told me I was not being controlled and I didn't need to control my partner.
I began to conduct my relationships based on invitation and respect.
Not forcing anyone to do anything, but instead inviting myself and my partner to bring our best selves to the table.
Expressing genuine gratitude every single time they chose to do something for me out of love.
Yes, all those cups of tea in the morning, three years down the line still get a big hug, a sloppy wet kiss and lots of gushing Thank Yous!
I understood that I was in a relationship with my partners nervous system.
And that my partner was evolving and changing All. The. Time.
Just as I was.
I learnt to be compassionate and patient and to stop my world to listen when they got upset because they mattered, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than for them to know that.
And that because we were entering into this voluntarily there was no way I was going to take them for granted.
That I understood respect to be that I respected myself, they respected themselves and we both respected each other.
That to me, to love beautifully meant my wants and needs of my partner were a distant second to their truth.
And that to take responsibility meant the blaming stopped.
And when it came time for our paths to go separate ways, this is especially true.
When I ran my relationships like this, there really was no need for all the painful emotions of a breakup.
I could honour my truth and say I was being called to go a different direction, I could be respectful and let my partner know that.
I didn't have to break the relationship in the most socially acceptable yet entirely disrespectful way that most relationships are concluded with.
We know that doing something like cheating only feels partially good, we know it's not really how we'd like it.
But we also feel that it's the way we've been shown to do things. It's the way to control what happens.
When love and respect step up and take precedence relationships conclude when they are naturally supposed to.
And new ones can be developed at exactly the right time without the pain and struggle and heavy emotions that carve out giant caverns in our paths.
If we so choose.
When we love someone exactly as they are, without considering one thing we'd like to change about them, we give them the space to be exactly who they are meant to be and to take pleasure in their paths unfolding without any external pressure which would achieve nothing good whatsoever.
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Sometimes things that don't feel good, feel so normal that you keep doing them anyway. Doesn't feel good but it feels familiar, and you keep doing it because it's familiar not because it feels good. We want to convince you that it's good for you to feel good, and that feeling good - is good! It's strange that we would have to tell you that feeling good, is good! There have been a lot of people who have needed to control you for their benefit by getting you to do things that don't feel good to you. That's not the guidance you want to follow.